Why do we give the gift of compassion to others and not ourselves?

Cindy JobsADHD In The Workplace, Health and Well-Being, Productivity

Compassion is a quality that defines our humanity, a beacon of light that guides us through the often dark and challenging terrain of life. We’ve all experienced moments when we extended compassion towards someone in need, offering a helping hand or a kind word. It’s a beautiful and heartwarming gesture, but what about self-compassion? 

The Compassion We Extend to Others

Think about a time when a friend or family member came to you with a problem or a difficult situation. How did you respond? Chances are, you listened attentively, offered empathy, and supported them without hesitation. This is a common and instinctual response because we humans have an innate capacity for compassion. We recognize the pain and suffering of others and naturally want to alleviate it.

Now, imagine for a moment that you responded differently. What if you criticized, judged, or berated the person in need instead of offering comfort and support? You would unlikely engage in such behavior because it goes against our fundamental human instincts. We are wired to show compassion to others because we understand that it is a source of comfort and healing.

The Neglected Practice of Self-Compassion

Despite our ability to extend compassion to others, we often struggle to do the same for ourselves. We can be our harshest critics, holding ourselves to impossibly high standards and berating ourselves for our mistakes and shortcomings. We engage in negative self-talk, self-doubt, and self-blame, undermining our well-being and self-esteem.

Why do we find it so difficult to treat ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we readily offer others? The answer lies in the misconception that self-compassion is selfish or indulgent. We mistakenly believe that being tough on ourselves will drive us to improve and succeed. However, research shows that self-criticism and self-compassion are not effective motivators. In fact, self-compassion has been proven to be a more powerful driver of personal growth and resilience.

The Value of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is treating ourselves with the same kindness, empathy, and understanding we extend to others. It involves acknowledging our imperfections and mistakes without judgment and responding to our suffering with a warm and caring attitude. When we embrace self-compassion, we experience many benefits that contribute to our overall well-being.

  1. Improved Mental Health: Self-compassion has been linked to reduced levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. By treating ourselves with kindness, we create a more nurturing inner environment that supports our emotional well-being.
  2. Enhanced Resilience: When we practice self-compassion, we become more resilient in facing setbacks and challenges. Instead of dwelling on failure, we are better equipped to learn from it and move forward with greater determination.
  3. Greater Self-Esteem: Self-compassion fosters a positive self-image. It helps us recognize our worthiness and value as human beings, regardless of our perceived flaws or shortcomings.
  4. Improved Relationships: When we are kinder to ourselves, we are more compassionate and understanding in our interactions with others. This leads to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

The Example That Illuminates the Path

Imagine a close friend comes to you feeling heartbroken after a failed relationship. You wouldn’t chastise them for their vulnerability, tell them to “get over it,” or ask them what they did wrong. Instead, you would offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and words of comfort. You would remind them of their worth and the love and support they deserve.

Consider applying the same level of compassion to yourself when facing a personal setback or heartache. Instead of self-criticism, offer yourself the same comfort and understanding you would give to a dear friend. By practicing self-compassion, you provide yourself with the emotional support needed to heal and grow.

Self-compassion is not a selfish act; it is a vital component of our emotional and psychological well-being. Practicing self-compassion unlocks a wellspring of resilience, self-esteem, and improved mental health that can transform our lives. It’s time to treat ourselves with the same kindness and empathy that we so readily offer to others, for in doing so, we discover the invaluable gift of self-compassion.

When starting to feel self-critical, ask yourself, “Would I treat a friend the way I’m treating myself?”


Cindy Jobs, PCAC, PCC

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