Boundaries being pushed? Remember you are only responsible for yourself and your actions.

The holiday season can be challenging with unique situations that require sound boundary identification reinforcement.

Here are a few scenarios from this week’s coaching clients:

“We explained to our mom that since she’s not vaccinated, she would need to wear a mask when she came to visit. So now she says she’s not coming.”

“The agreement was no gifts, but our neighbor showed up with something anyway.”

“The party was supposed to be alcohol-free, but my manager brought out a bottle of champagne. He knows I’m in a 12-step program!”

As a coach, I don’t give advice but help people determine their boundaries and subsequent actions. So let’s look at each of these scenarios in more detail.

“We explained to our mom that since she’s not vaccinated, she would need to wear a mask when she came to visit. So now she says she’s not coming.”

Being cautious, this client was concerned about his exposure and his children’s exposure, who are too young for vaccination. After much soul-searching, he came to a boundary situation he felt comfortable with. On the other hand, Mom disagreed and used guilt to overstep his boundaries. Tough call. Forego the boundary and worry about exposure or call off the visit? As with any boundary, my client was only responsible for himself and his actions; Mom is responsible for hers.

“The party was supposed to be alcohol-free, but when I showed up, there was a full, no-host bar. My manager knows I’m in a 12-step program!”

Although the situation was behind her, the sting of it was not. At the moment, my client decided to stay engaged with the event, yet she felt her trust had been violated. What to do next? Being unsure whether this type of event would come up again, she decided not to say anything to her manager at this time. She also vowed that if there were another company event, she would speak to her manager in advance, indicating that she would need to decline the invitation if there was any alcohol at the event.

“The agreement was no gifts, but our neighbors showed up with something anyway. At first, I was embarrassed, but then I realized they’d violated an agreed-upon boundary. So I offered a hearty “thank you” and invited them in for coffee.”

There is much joy in giving to others for some people (especially those for whom “gifts” is their love language). But when the “no gifts” boundary is violated, embarrassment may be an unintended consequence. This client handled it so well. When the gift was presented, she offered extreme graciousness and appreciation, then enjoyed the gift of time with her thoughtful neighbors. Remember, if someone else violates a boundary, it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. The neighbor was probably not expecting a gift in return, merely wanting to connect in the most familiar way to them.

Over the next few weeks, there will be ample opportunities to set and maintain healthy boundaries. What boundaries might you need to set right now to create safety and peace of mind?

Cindy Jobs, PCAC